It’s been said that the top three sources of marital conflict are money, sex, and in-laws (not necessarily in that order).
As a financial planner, I’m only qualified to address one of those issues. So, last week we tackled the subject of “marital conflicts over money.” We identified four possible outcomes to such conflicts:
- Lose/lose—Both you and your partner end up miserable.
- Lose/win—You grudgingly roll over and let your partner have his/her way.
- Win/lose—You get your way and your partner is left to grumble about the outcome.
- Win/win—You figure out a solution that works for both of you.
Today, I want to focus on how to move towards win/win, the most desirable of these four potential outcomes.
I said it last week, but I’ll say it again: Win/win isn’t just about compromising.
Too often, compromise tends to be adversarial in nature. It sometimes views conflict as a battle to be won, rather than a problem to be solved. Instead of being rooted in trust and driven by a desire to “find a solution that benefits everyone,” compromise is often rooted in distrust and driven by a desire to “make sure that after we each make concessions, I still come out on top.”
That’s not win-win. A healthy win/win mindset and lifestyle requires humility and resolve. It’s hard work, but the results are worth it.
So, how do we do it? What is the path to win/win in marital conflicts over money? Here are three steps to take:
- Be courageous and considerate, not one or the other. It takes courage to stand up for what you want or need. And it takes consideration to value the needs your spouse expresses. If you leave either courage or consideration out of your solution, you’ll have something less than win/win.
- Make win/win a lifestyle, not a technique. How’s your bank account? I mean your emotional bank account with your spouse. Is it empty? Overdrawn? If so, I suspect you may approach win/win as more of a technique used to solve a problem than a lifestyle. If you want your spouse to win (i.e., feel good about) in all areas of your marriage (money included), you need to find out what kinds of things fill up his or her emotional bank account. Focus on filling up your spouse’s emotional bank account, and the solutions to your financial conflicts will come more naturally. Trust me on this one (guys especially). This is huge.
- Believe in abundance, not scarcity. Fear makes hoarders out of us all. When we get afraid—when we think, “there’s only so much,” we hoard our money, time, affection, and options. Many a financial conflict is like one of those chilly winter nights when you’re both fighting for the covers to keep warm. But the secret to keeping warm in that situation is getting together, not pulling apart! The same is true of financial conflicts.
Trust that there’s more than enough to go around, so that neither of you feels the temptation to hoard and “look out for number one.” You can be generous with one another. And generosity has a way of prompting even more generosity.
Stephen Covey has written extensively on win/win. Read his bestseller The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People for a fuller treatment of this topic.
Want to win in the financial area of your marriage? Wonderful!
Just make sure your spouse wins too.
And speaking of winning…to win in retirement, it may be necessary to turn your retirement savings into regular retirement income (so that you’re money lasts and you’re able to realize all your financial goals). If you’re not sure how to do that, I’ve got a free tool that can help. It’s called the RISA (i.e., Retirement Income Strategy Assessment), and in just a few minutes it can show you what kind of retirement income plan best aligns with your personality and lifestyle. There’s no obligation, and you can access it by emailing me (bmoore@argentadvisors.com).
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