I’m not a marriage counselor or family therapist, but I know this: One of the biggest sources of tensions for couples is money. Finances have a way of triggering conflict or fueling old resentments.
What can we do about this?
Well, first, we need to understand the different ways we tend to deal with conflict (over money or anything else). Years ago, my friend Bob Livesay gave me a helpful framework for thinking about people approach such matters.
He said, “Think about the most recent conflict you had. If you’re satisfied with the outcome, you probably view that argument as a ‘win’ for you. If you don’t like where things ended up, you likely consider that as a “loss.” That holds true for the other party too.
I nodded. Bob continued, “That means in any marital conflict over money, there are at least four possible outcomes.” Bob described the outcomes this way.
- Lose/lose. This is when neither spouse gets what they want. Often, this is because one has withdrawn—either physically or emotionally. We’ve all seen this (and many of us have done this). We exit the discussion. We pull away from the other person. Maybe you shut down, clam up, or walk out of the room. Maybe you get passive-aggressive and refuse to engage. But whatever it looks like, nothing gets resolved. In the end nobody’s happy. It’s a lose-lose.
- Lose/win. This is when you just give in and let your spouse have his/her way in order to keep the peace at all costs. Rather than stand your ground and express your concerns and desires, you fold, roll over, wave the white flag. At first, this outcome might seem like a victory to the spouse on the “winning” side. After all, they got their way. But at what cost? Often this outcome only sows the seeds of a future, worse conflict fueled by simmering bitterness.
- Win/lose. This is when, rather than keeping the peace at all costs, you decide to win at all costs. So, you power up and overwhelm your spouse with a barrage of logical arguments and reasons—and make them feel stupid. Or, in the heat of the moment, you get personal and say hurtful things. That’s the problem with viewing a conflict as “a war I’ve got to win, no matter what.” Wars produce enemies. And nobody, not even the victor, emerges unscathed. When winning is the only goal, the results are usually devastating.
- Win/win. This is when both parties resolve to see conflict as a problem to be solved rather than a battle to be won. The prevailing mindset is, “We’re allies, not enemies. We’re on the same team.” In the words of Abraham Lincoln—which he borrowed from Jesus of Nazareth, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.”
Finding a win/win isn’t easy. When opinions are strong and a conflict runs deep, it often requires a third party to mediate. But what a difference when both parties are willing to begin from this place: “I want to find a solution that’s a win for both of us.”
I should add that win/win is more than reluctant compromise. Oftentimes compromise is nothing more than oppositional negotiation, in which the two sides grudgingly give a little ground. (And then hold grudges until the next conflict!)
Win/win requires humility and resolve. It’s hard work, but the results are worth it.
Next week we’ll talk about some practical ways to get to win/win in family financial feuds.
In the meantime, if you’re wondering how you’re going to turn your retirement savings into regular retirement income, I’ve got a free tool that can help. It’s called the RISA (i.e., Retirement Income Strategy Assessment), and in just a few minutes it can show you what kind of retirement income plan best aligns with your personality and lifestyle. There’s no obligation, and you can access it by emailing me (bmoore@argentadvisors.com).
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